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13 April 2005 @ 03:39 pm
Silliness!  
Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts (inspired by 213 things Skippy can no longer do in the US Army.)




1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

6. I will not go to class skyclad.

7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.

16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

20. I will not call the Defence Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.

23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.

25. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!".

26. I am not a sloth Animagus.

27. I am not a tribble Animagus.

28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

29. I do not weight the same as a duck.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".

35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.


If you have any suggestions you'd like to see added, email ladylilyfox@yahoo.com.




ETA:Appendix A

ETA:Appendix B

ETA:Appendix C

ETA:Appendix D

ETA:Appendix E


ETA:Appendix F

ETA:Appendix G: Yet More Errata and Even More Addenda

ETA:Appendix H: Still more Errata, Yet more Addenda

ETA:Appendix I

ETA:Appendix J

ETA:Appendix K

ETA:Appendix L

ETA: The final appendix, Appendix oMega, is up. Send any future contributions to ladylilyfox@yahoo.com.
 
 
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( 973 comments — Leave a comment )
sciencegeeksciencegeek on April 13th, 2005 09:04 pm (UTC)
*snort* I'm sorry, the first one reminded me of Eddie Izzard, and all I could think of was "They like their coffee how they like their women....covered in bees!"
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 09:20 pm (UTC)
Direct reference, of course. Ever since I got the SEXIE DVD, I've had the overpowering need to make an Izzard-HP joke.

*worships your icon*
(no subject) - athousanderrors on April 13th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
goblin... thing... - bright_side16 on April 13th, 2006 09:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: goblin... thing... - atalantapendrag on April 13th, 2006 09:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - katndhat33 on April 14th, 2005 01:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sciencegeek on April 14th, 2005 04:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jenjemeer on April 15th, 2005 03:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - palmetto on April 15th, 2005 05:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - vampyr_aggie on April 14th, 2005 04:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
I <3 your icon! - faery_whisper on April 14th, 2005 05:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - raasalhayya on April 14th, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 06:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rocklikewhoa on August 22nd, 2005 03:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on August 22nd, 2005 03:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sciencegeek on August 22nd, 2005 03:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lizardfoss on October 7th, 2007 03:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mellodramattic on February 8th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Klo the hobbitklo_the_hobbit on April 13th, 2005 09:08 pm (UTC)
I think I broke from the funnee. Mad props man.
Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
*folds in half and cries with laughter*
*klo*
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:30 pm (UTC)
I have created... HUMAN ORIGAMI!

*chuckles eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevilly*
(no subject) - lots42 on April 14th, 2005 11:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Hayley: sparklekayleighraven on April 13th, 2005 09:10 pm (UTC)
Here from eddieizzard. This is great! My favourites are -
1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
and
48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

Brilliant.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:16 pm (UTC)
#1 was the one that made me admit to myself that this needed to be written.
(no subject) - heartlessempath on April 13th, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 12:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kengr on April 14th, 2005 02:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bugarup on May 30th, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Chillie, procrasturbator.: Slave boy puppet - by Mintteasnitchnip_chill on April 13th, 2005 09:11 pm (UTC)
ROFL! That's bloody brilliant!
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
I need to have more ideas like this one. It's gotten more comments in under an hour than my other fics do in months.
(no subject) - snitchnip_chill on April 14th, 2005 06:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 06:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - snitchnip_chill on April 14th, 2005 06:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 06:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - snitchnip_chill on April 14th, 2005 06:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pallasathene82 on April 14th, 2005 09:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pallasathene82 on April 14th, 2005 09:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
icon - (Anonymous) on August 5th, 2006 06:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
raviahmad: Curb your enthusiasm (tapedeck)raviahmad on April 13th, 2005 09:14 pm (UTC)
34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".

Yes they bloody are!
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:18 pm (UTC)
*g*

If I hadn't already put in so many Sluggy references, I'd have put "I will not refer to the Snitch as the Bu'all Dib". Maybe in an appendix...
(no subject) - ankhet on April 14th, 2005 03:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 03:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - merrick42 on April 14th, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
misanthropoid on April 13th, 2005 09:15 pm (UTC)
Nicely done!

Yet another here by way of eddieizzard
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
Katya (Katie)opheliasavalon on April 13th, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)
Brilliant! Although I am still convinced that Seamus really is after me Lucky Charms.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:32 pm (UTC)
Nah, he's after your Guinness.
mr profit's girl friday (and all week long)tiferet on April 13th, 2005 09:32 pm (UTC)
38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

My sides hurt.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:15 pm (UTC)
*offers Imaginary Vicodin*
(no subject) - angelari on April 14th, 2005 12:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kengr on April 14th, 2005 02:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 02:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jacobine on April 14th, 2005 12:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 04:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jacobine on April 15th, 2005 10:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 15th, 2005 10:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jacobine on April 14th, 2005 12:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 04:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jacobine on April 14th, 2005 12:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jeriendhal on April 14th, 2005 03:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kengr on April 14th, 2005 07:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jeriendhal on April 14th, 2005 07:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - faerie_music on April 14th, 2005 09:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kengr on April 15th, 2005 05:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - merrick42 on April 14th, 2005 06:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - palmetto on April 15th, 2005 05:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - chaoticgoodnik on April 14th, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - celeloriel on April 14th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
mr profit's girl friday (and all week long)tiferet on April 13th, 2005 09:34 pm (UTC)
You know, I don't see any reason why you couldn't have a Dalek Patronus...it never says the Patronus has to take the form of something real, and if that's what embodied protection for someone...
Ide Cyan: neigeide_cyan on April 14th, 2005 02:37 am (UTC)
Could one have a K-9 Patronus, I wonder? I mean, K-9 was a dog...

But a Dalek would be cooler.
(no subject) - grapefruitzzz on April 14th, 2005 01:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - quoting_mungo on April 15th, 2005 06:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:41 pm (UTC)
I almost stooped lower on 14, but decided it was crude enough already ;)
(no subject) - lamia_prime on April 15th, 2005 03:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 15th, 2005 03:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lamia_prime on April 15th, 2005 06:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Luca Shoalinvaderluca on April 13th, 2005 09:39 pm (UTC)
haha, 16 is beautiful XD.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC)
With all the Chick reference I've been running into lately, it was necessary.
(no subject) - invaderluca on April 13th, 2005 11:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Did someone say Chick? - vinegartoast on April 14th, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Did someone say Chick? - hazelhawthorne on April 14th, 2005 11:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
I want to close my eyes and hear this songmattador on April 13th, 2005 09:42 pm (UTC)
I have trouble breathing now. Oh let the laughter stop.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:18 pm (UTC)
*holds up oxygen mask*
(no subject) - mattador on April 14th, 2005 12:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
Queen Redd Heart of Wonderland: Mina: Gas on?reddheart on April 13th, 2005 09:46 pm (UTC)
Love it :)
Very nice. Slipping Eddie in there, of course...highly amusing. Sadly, all I have in terms of subtle Eddie references to return is this Mina icon.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Love it :)
I don't have an Eddie icon :(
ghostgecko on April 13th, 2005 09:55 pm (UTC)
6. I will not go to class skyclad.

How about *teaching* class skyclad?

And how do you know there are no such things as were-thylacines? Maybe we should start checking suspects for pouches . . .
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC)
In WoD, wasn't it hinted at that the extinct Bunyip tribe had been were-thylacines?
(no subject) - ghostgecko on April 14th, 2005 12:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
elisavetlachupacabra on April 13th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
i am LITERALLY dying laughing!!!
this is THE most awesome fic ive read in ages.
fucking brilliant!!!
*hug*
:D
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:34 pm (UTC)
I wish all my stuff was this popular! I'm glad to have brought a little amusement into so many people's day.
4th Sector Pathfinder: wild horses by retrocuntpernickety on April 13th, 2005 10:02 pm (UTC)
I am not a sloth Animagus.
I make a very good impression of one though.

That list is brilliant!

and I just noticed my complete lack of HP icons. ups.
Atalanta Pendragonne: SnapeClerksatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:42 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm pretty lazy myself. & out of 15 icons I only have one that's HP related, so...
(no subject) - pernickety on April 13th, 2005 10:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
ex_ajhalluk585 on April 13th, 2005 10:05 pm (UTC)
13, 16, 31, 38, 44, 48 and 50 are certified to cause irreparable harm to keyboards.

However, I have the following additional suggestions:

1) I will not arrange for a DVD of "This Is Spinal Tap" and a drum kit to be sitting in the DADA Proessor's room on 1 September as a "Welcome To Hogwarts" Present.
2) After the last unfortunate experience, I will not take the Hogwarts house-elves to see "Dumbo" as their Christmas treat. Furthermore, I will remember to put trampolines below the Astronomy Tower in case I momentarily overlook the first part of this resolution.
3) I will not spread rumours around Death Eater circles that actually Lord Voldemort's mother survived childbirth and enjoyed a long covert career in the Muggle world as the Honourable Member for Finchley.
4) If I decide to become a ruthless profiteer who earns untold Galleons by selling off Potions off-cuts and rejected ingredients to Muggle schools, I will take the precaution of using Avada Kedavra on Jamie Oliver first.
5) Substituting Immac for Slixslelox in Draco Malfoy's shampoo container is a childish and irresponsible act.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:12 pm (UTC)
What are Immac and Slixslelox?

When I archive this elsewhere, how shall I credit your contributions, or would you prefer if I didn't include them at all?

Your #1 and#4 have me giggling madly.
(no subject) - ex_ajhalluk585 on April 13th, 2005 10:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - random_c on April 13th, 2005 10:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - marveen on April 13th, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rikibeth on April 14th, 2005 07:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - divadivine on April 14th, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rokeby_venus on April 14th, 2005 08:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - random_c on April 14th, 2005 08:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rokeby_venus on April 14th, 2005 08:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gehayi on April 13th, 2005 10:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ex_ajhalluk585 on April 13th, 2005 10:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gehayi on April 13th, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - leora on April 14th, 2005 11:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bubosquared on April 14th, 2005 11:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
sunlight on your paththistlerose on April 13th, 2005 10:08 pm (UTC)
You're making me giggle at work! Thank you! :)
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:27 pm (UTC)
Spreading joy is always good.
Red Charity Rackham: Charlie and Clairenightfalltwen on April 13th, 2005 10:09 pm (UTC)
*was linked here by handful, whom I believe was linked via [Bad username: laragoth"]... which means this is one big complicated linkage*

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

That was my favourite Sluggy Freelance ever. :D
Red Charity Rackham: Bunnyblinknightfalltwen on April 13th, 2005 10:11 pm (UTC)
and "bad username" was supposed to be reddheart... *eyes eljay*
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Hippie Geek Girl: LOTR - bad laundry pungypsyjr on April 13th, 2005 10:10 pm (UTC)
31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

*giggles madly*
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:43 pm (UTC)
I had to fit in a Dr. Who joke somewhere!
(no subject) - gypsyjr on April 13th, 2005 10:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - gypsyjr on April 15th, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Karisu | カリス ("sama" = facetious ^___^)karisu_sama on April 13th, 2005 10:13 pm (UTC)
16. - ROFLMAO
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:49 pm (UTC)
*g* I couldn't resist.
Deifiredeifire on April 13th, 2005 10:18 pm (UTC)
Here through friendsfriends. These are all bloody brilliant! I especially love #48.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:39 pm (UTC)
48 wrote itself... the hedgehog song is raunchier, I think, but not as apt.
(no subject) - spindrift76 on April 14th, 2005 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Emilyhippiewrites on April 13th, 2005 10:22 pm (UTC)
lol.. That was funny. :P

The Hufflepuff comment was GREAT!! XD
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:29 pm (UTC)
It's the one that got the list pieceing itself together in my head. Hmmm. I know that at a bare minimum Eddie's seen the first movie...
(no subject) - hippiewrites on April 14th, 2005 01:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hippiewrites on April 14th, 2005 01:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 01:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hippiewrites on April 14th, 2005 09:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lamia_prime on April 15th, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
J Groth: welkaurictech on April 13th, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
#n. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:37 pm (UTC)
Hee! How do you want to be credited?
(no subject) - aurictech on April 13th, 2005 10:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
BTW... - aurictech on April 13th, 2005 10:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: BTW... - atalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - caitlen on April 16th, 2005 12:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
Laurelwater_of_fire on April 13th, 2005 10:32 pm (UTC)
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

*snerktgiggle!*
Atalanta Pendragonneatalantapendrag on April 13th, 2005 10:49 pm (UTC)
*smirk*
(no subject) - spyderqueen on April 14th, 2005 04:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - atalantapendrag on April 14th, 2005 04:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
( 973 comments — Leave a comment )
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