50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts

Appendix A

Appendix B

Appendix C




Vorlon010's addenda-


I am not to reference the 'Dungeon Master Guide' in essay or research project.

- Nor any other D&D book.

- No, not even the Monster Manual.

I am not on a quest to find the Soul Edge, I will not try and convince tutors that I am.

I cannot obtain weapons grade uranium for use in potions classes.

- Especially if I find any spells which will use it.

Threatening to summon Bahamut in the common room was not funny.

- Trying to do so was not smart.

I was not "Born to rune".

Hogwarts does not offer classes in "Headology", I should stop asking.

- Oki-Doki and Deja-Fu are not offered either.

Surface-to-air missiles do not constitute 'fan support' in Quidditch matches

I will stop attempting to turn librarians into Orangutans.

- Especially if it works.

- It is also considered wrong to try bribing them with bananas.

I will not paint gnomes blue, under any circumstances.


fuyu no neko's addenda-

I will not tell the first year girls that they "must get naked then change into a sailor fuku" before they are allowed to cast any spells.

- Not even if they do so on Sailor Moon.

I will not try to convince the girls to learn the spell "Pretty Cure Marvelous Screw".

I will in fact stop trying to drag the Hogwarts girls into my sick anime based fantasies altogether.

- Even the one with the tentacles.




megalomaniageek's addenda-

I will not tell the Fat Lady to go on Weight Watchers.

- Or any other diet.

I will not ask Narcissa about Lucius' 'Snake' or his 'cane'.

I will not make constant jokes about being "badgered" to any Hufflepuff.

-I will just not make constant jokes to House members about their animal (especially Slytherins and their 'snakes').

I will never ask Harry if his 'scar senses are tingling'. (Note: credit to Here: http://www.deviantart.com/view/5719976/)

I will not ask Oliver Wood if I can touch his broom handle.

- This goes for any male Quidditch player.

I will not try to set Crookshanks up with Mrs. Norris, even though I think it'd be really funny.

- I would defintely not try to set up Crookshanks and McGonagall.

Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss".

- or "The Shire/Frodo is That Way!"

- Every time I see Dobby I will not say something about 'master' or 'Precioussssss'.

- Every time I see Dumbledore, I will not say, "You will not pass!"

I will stop teasing males about their 'magic wands'.

Wingardium Leviosa is not appropriate on females' skirts.






moirymoe's addenda-


I will not do impersonations during dueling club sessions involving the following lines:

-Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

-I am Harry James Potter, founder of Dumbledore's Army, heir to the founder of Gryffindor House, and student of the one true headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. son to a murdered father. Godson to a murdered convict. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

-Help me, Harry-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

No matter how often you comment that 'it's just a jump to the left', the rest of your class will not suddenly sing 'and then a step to the right...'.

There is not a market for 'Girls Gone Wild: Hogsmeade Weekend' DVDs.

While Dumbledore is a brilliant man, he does not see why kids love the sweet cinnamon taste in Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

Despite rumors to the contrary, upon fulfilling the prophecy, Harry Potter does not plan to go to Disneyworld.

No matter how many house points he takes from Gryffindor, Snape does not deserve to be set up on a blind date with Trelawney. Or Umbridge. No one deserves that. No one.




miladygrey's addenda-


Milo Rambaldi's prophecies are not required reading in Divination.

-And I should not mix up his green goo in Potions, either.

Telling the firsties that we're going to study the Things We Don't Speak Of in Care of Magical Creatures is wrong.

I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"

-Even if the Weasley twins asked me to do it.

-Even if Draco asked me to do it.

I must never sing "Bad Moon Rising" around Professor Lupin.

-Or "Moondance".

-And definitely not "Werewolves of London".



AlteredHistory's addenda-


Showing students photos of Snape in a Speedo is cruel, especially right before lessons on confronting a boggart.

The boggart's first name is not Humphrey.

I will not scare the First Years with wild tales of an omnicient Author who controls our destinies.




airlia and cheresse's addenda-


The Giant Squid is not going to give Harry Potter Excalibur.

Professor Snape does not need to participate in Pon Farr.

-Nor does Dobby.

-Especially with each other.

Harry Potter is not "Jim" and Ron is not "Bones."

-And making "He's dead..." references is not funny.

My name is not Indigo Montoya. Albus Dumbledore did not kill my father, and he does not need to prepare to die.

I do not know what the word "inconcievable" means, and should stop using it so often.

-Bragging about being a Sicilian will not save me, either.

I should not tell the first years that "The Witches" is an accurate representation of history.

-Encouraging them to get a head start on learning to turn children into mice is not permitted either.

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are not affiliated with the Ministry of Magic.

Hogwarts is not part of London Below.

Telling first years that Thor will come down on them with all his wrath if they don't obey my will does not make me Odin.

Calling Madame Pomfrey Doc Daneeka is not acceptable.

I should not Transfigure all of Ron Weasley's Chocolate Frog cards into pornography.

-Especially not pornography invovling the people orginally on the cards.

Avalon is not on the other side of the lake.

I did not direct a porno like this once.

Blast-Ended Skrewts are not the first ingredients in "Surf'n'Turf."

Turning house-elves into bath towels is not okay.

Enchanting all brooms to hum "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is very, very annoying.

-Especially because I find it funny.

Painting a bulls-eye on Harry Potter's back isn't funny.

-Nor is doing the same to the DADA teacher.

In her earlier life, Professor McGonagall did not have buns on either side of her head and was not Luke's sister.

Calling Draco Malfoy "Britney Spears" is not nice.

-And he probably won't get it anyway.

-Better to just stick to "Captain Ferret."

I am not allowed to refer to Hogwarts as "Redwall Abbey."

I am not to say, under any circumstance (and especially during the June show down) "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."




deire's addenda-


I will not replace any ingredient in the potions classroom with new Folger's crystals.

Even if I should manage the spell to animate my luggage, I am not allowed to feed Mrs. Norris to it. Or any of the first year students.

Casting illusion spells to give Professor Snape a pair of ruby high heels during class period is unacceptable behavior. Or at any other time.




Brian Locke's Addeda-


The Proper response to any question from Professor Snape is never "Yippy Ky Yay Mother F*cker!"

I will not take first years snipe hunting in the Forbidden Forest.

-Especially after that one actually caught one.

I will not offer to teach first years "The weirding way" for cash.

I am not to sell naked pictures of Pansy Parkinson on the internet.

-Unless she gets a cut.

I am not allowed to purchase the souls of first years.

-especially when it is hidden in the fine print of a petition to allow first years to go to Hogsmeade.

Teaching first Years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong. Funny, but wrong.

Next time I plant a two way mirror in the girls bathroom, must remember to use an anti-fogging spell.

Asking Draco if his dad drops the soap a lot definitely is wrong.

Mustn't prove that 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 in Arithmancy, as it gives Granger a headache.

Legilimency and strip poker do not mix (only when you get caught).

Mustn't look and Nevile's Melted Cauldron in Potions class and loudly proclaim "By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged!"

Hagrid's strength, Harry's steel, and my wits are not enough to storm the gates of the ministry of Magic....

-unless we also have a holocaust cloak and a wheelbarrow.

Running a floating craps game is not acceptable, especially if it is literally floating.

-unless I bribe the prefects with a cut of the take.

Making a vibrating broomstick is just wrong, no matter how popular it is with the girls.

Teaching the kitchen elves to make real Texas Chili was fine, convincing them to serve the Slytherins 5 Alarm chili for every meal for a week was wrong.

-locking all the bathrooms afterward was really evil.

Coating the Slytherin Quidich team's brooms with Astroglide was wrong. Funny, but wrong.

-So was coating them with Icy-Hot.

The Anarchist's cook book is not acceptable study material for muggle studies.

My conversations with Hagrid are never to include the phrase "Hey Hagrid, wouldn't it be cool if you crossbred a ... with a ..."

Not allowed to play poker with Tarot cards anymore, last time I did, I got a royal flush and the Dark lord returned.




auritech's addenda-


I will not claim that Professor Snape is "as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll," nor will I demand that he prove this claim false.

I am not to leave a cake in the rain where Headmaster Dumbledore can see it.

Harry Potter does not use a corked Quidditch broom.

I am not to proclaim in Divination class that Professor Flitwick will someday appear in a Travelocity.com advertising campaign.

"Badgers? We don' need no steenkin' badgers!" is not an appropriate way to greet a student who has been Sorted into Hufflepuff.

In my third year, I am not to ask Headmaster Dumbledore if he's just used one of his alloted regenerations.

Hufflepuff is not a reference to sniffing glue.

I will not rewrite the entire history of Alchemy by referring to the Philosopher's Stone as the "Sorceror's Stone."

I am not to sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

If I wish to cast a spell, I will simply use my wand. I need neither wiggle my nose nor cross my arms and sharply nod.

I am not the Wizard of Speed and Time.





I will not use 'Porn Star' Petey's pensieve for my own voyeuristic pleasure. (Kaci JaBeth)

I am allowed a cat, a toad or a rat, not a chest on hundreds of little legs. (snowelf)

I am not entitled to a saving throw at any time. (Aubri)


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