50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts

Appendix A

Appendix B

Appendix C: 50 Things Kleenexwoman, 12th level chaotic neutral mage, is not allowed to do at Hogwarts


Appendix D

ETA:Appendix F





1) Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.

2) Count Olaf and Professor Snape are not related.

3) I do not need sets of dice for charms.

4) I cannot charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.

-I cannot charm the suits of armor to skip with me around the castle, clacking coconut halves together.

5) Lucius Malfoy is not Iggy Pop.

-And he will not dance around naked singing "TV Eye" no matter how many times I ask.

6) "The Spam Song" was not funny the first time. It wasn't funny the second time.

7) I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students.

-Especially if they're no good at poetry.

8) I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.

-I am allowed to be beaten if I sing Yeston/Kopit.

-I may not make letters with demands to Dumbledore and sign them as H.G.

9) There is no connection between Hitler and Voldemort.

10) "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" is not a transfiguration spell.

11) I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.

12) There is no wizard porn in the Restricted Section.

-I am not allowed to put wizard porn in the Restricted Section.

13) I must never call Professor McGonagall, "McGoogles".

-Especially to her face.

14) I will not add 'according to the prophecy' at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

15) I may not play matchmaker in exchange for voices.

-This includes the mermaids.

16) I am not allowed to whistle the "Pastoral Symphony" around the centaurs.

17) I am not allowed to cut Bill's ponytail to see if he turns into a Squib.

18) Hobbits do not exist.

19) I am not allowed to yell "Honey FLASH!" when Tonks transfigures herself.

20) Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.

21) I am not allowed to be 'Fawkes no miko'.

22) I am not allowed to transfigure the carriages into pumpkins.

-Nor am I allowed to transfigure the thestrals into mice.

23) Thestrals do not like McDonalds.

24) I am not allowed to steal students' heart crystals, dream mirrors or starseeds.

-Even if it's for a potions project.

25) I am not allowed to bother Snape.

-Dumbledore does not have 'naked time'.


26) I am not allowed to call Professor Quirrell a man with 'no cojones'.

-Even if he can't understand me.

-Even if it's true.

27) I am not allowed to replace the picture on Sirius Black's wanted poster with any teacher I don't like.

28) I am not allowed to sell wizard Kama Sutra.

-And not just because of copyright issues.

29) Mrs. Landingham's ghost does not want a job as Professor Dumbledore's secretary.

30) I am not allowed to call Dumbledore, "the Great and Powerful Oz" or "Gandalf".

31) Kingsley Shacklebot is not Lando Calrissian, Mace Windu, Barrett, Charlie Young, Sol, Vinny or Mean Joe Greene.

-Kingsley is allowed to hurt me if I refer to him as 'my nigga'.

-Kingsley is allowed to hurt me whenever he pleases.

32) I cannot start a step team.

-I cannot start a firestaff team.

33) I am not allowed to sing, whistle, or hum "Suicide is Painless" when I'm in the infirmary.

34) I am not allowed to quote Full Metal Jacket when I am in the lavatory.

35) I am not allowed to sic the Ghostbusters on Moaning Myrtle or Peeves.

36) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

37) I am not allowed to quote Candide if someone has stuck their wand in the back of their pants and blown a buttock off.

38) Singing "Behold! the Lord High Executioner" around Walden Macnair on Buckbeak's execution date may have pleased him, but it offended many.

39) Just because the black guy dies first in Muggle movies does not mean that will apply to Kingsley.

-Kingsley is allowed to hurt me whenever he pleases.

40) I will not attempt to make religious jokes about Snape based on his nose because a) I am not funny and b) I will offend people.

41) I am not allowed to put steroids in the opposing Quidditch team's water cooler.

42) I am not allowed to hold my wand up to my butt to see what happens if I fart.

-It wasn't funny no matter how many people laughed.

43) I am not allowed to say "Shiiire...Baaaagiiiins..." around dementors.

44) I am not allowed to call my owl, 'Portable Pens'.

-I am not allowed to use my owl for portable pens.

45) I am not allowed to teach the giant venus-fly trap in Herbology anything from Little Shop.

46) I am not allowed to encourage the Sorting Hat to sing "The Hedgehog Song", "There once was a man from Nantucket...", "Never Be Rude to an Arab", or anything along those lines at the start of term.

47) Just because it's not listed under the dress code rules doesn't mean it's not inappropriate.

48) I am not allowed to be naked under my robes.

-No matter how much of a nice breeze it is.

49) Moody will not say "DRINK!", "ARSE!", "FECK!", "GIRLS!" or "THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!" no matter how many times I ask.

50) I am not allowed to teach "I Feel Pretty" to Professor Lockhart.

-I am not allowed to hex him into silence when I have learned the error of my ways.

51) I am not allowed to nominate Margaret Thatcher, David Beckham, Jordan, Jade Goody, Naomi Campbell, Anne Robinson, Bernard Manning, Peter Stringfellow, or Gary Glitter to the Ministry's Official List of Dark Creatures.

52) I am not allowed to teach the haka to my house's Quidditch team.

53) "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

54) I am not encouraged to refer to Bellatrix Lestrange as Maleficent.

55) Harry Potter is not "an errand boy... sent by grocery clerks."

56) Jenna Jameson is not an acceptable Hallowe'en costume.

57) I will not encourage the rumour that Honeydukes sells cannabis pops.

58) I will not call Professor Flitwick "Professor Wickett".

59) Every Muggle-born before me has quoted Macbeth in Potions class. It was never funny.

60) I am not allowed to quote Sweeney Todd or Titus Andronicus when there are meat pies for supper.

61) I did not bite myself shaving.

62) I am not allowed to dress up as Josephine Baker for my "Muggle I Admire Most" presentation.

63) I am not allowed to hold a pair of Remembrall in my hand and say "Cough, please".

-No matter how many boys laugh.

-No matter how many dates I get.

64) I cannot speak Huttese.

65) I am not allowed to imitate Percy Weasley as C-3PO.

66) Finding holes on campus to fall into will not lead me to Wonderland. I will only be stuck for several hours/days/weeks and be behind in my classwork.

67) I am not allowed to sing Angel of Music to all the mirrors in school to see if anyone sings back.

68) I cannot be an animagi using a transmogrifier.

69) I am not allowed to sell pregnancy charms to gay couples.

70) I am not allowed to use Floo Powder for streaking.

71) Darth Vader jokes stopped being funny a long time ago.

72) I am not allowed to sell dog dungbombs.

-I have to clean up any mess they make.

73) I am not allowed to charm the mounted moose heads to say "Schweppes!" over and over.

74) Just because I have cramps and the PMS Potion is taking awhile to kick in, it does not guarantee me abuse rights.

75) I am not allowed to 'fro' Ron's hair and refer to him as Sideshow Bob.

76) Angelina Johnson will kill me if I keep calling her 'Coffy'.

77) I am not allowed to add 'in my pants' to the end of my sentences.

78) Just because I am deprived of My Stash does not mean I should encourage the better-looking boys in my year to hook up.

79) Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do "The Time Warp" does not mean it will earn me house points.

80) I am not allowed to turn the Quidditch pitch into an skating rink during the winter.

-Driving the zamboni will not get me chicks.

81) I deserved the extra punishment when I sang "Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rocking World Go Round" to Madame Maxime.

82) I am not allowed to take the day off for the Hamburgler's birthday.

83) I am not the Angel of America, so I can't start my sentences with "I I I I..."

84) I am not allowed to try attacks from Sailor Moon to see if they work since I am in a more magical environment.

-I will be held responsible for any damage I cause.

85) I am not allowed to animate a rodent skeleton from the owlery to serve as Death of Rats.

86) I am not allowed to dig my own secret passage.

-I should not whistle the theme from The Great Escape when I'm digging so I don't get caught.

87) Every joke in the world has been made about wands.

-I do not earn house points if I come up with an original joke.

88) "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.

89) I should not give away that I am having sexual fantasies in my head by giggling hysterically and being very British about it.

-I should especially not do it in potions class when my teacher is a trained Legilimens and the one I'm fantasizing about.

90) I should not insist for the Order to invest in Gundams to fight the Death Eaters.

91) Pie is for eating, not for throwing. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spritzing.

92) Turning all the first-years into insomniacs with "Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me." is not funny.

93) I deserve to be smacked if I ask Cho, "Where is my automobile?"

94) If I'm going to put teddy bears on parade, I should know what I'm doing.

95) I am not allowed to play 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea with the giant squid anymore.

96) If I'm going to draw pornographic pictures, I shouldn't leave them out where people can find them.

-Even if my intention was to spark rumours.

97) Ron Weasley has big feet because he is tall. I am not allowed to assume anything anymore.

98) I am not allowed to make eyes at Sirius. Lupin will kill me if I try anything.

99) It's not nice to burst in on couples making out in the Quidditch cupboard by pretending to be Mr. Filch.

100) I am not allowed to sit on Hagrid's hut pretending to fly a plane and fight the Red Baron.

101) I am never going to get a date.



Send any future contributions to ladylilyfox@yahoo.com.


The "50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts" CafePress store