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Atalanta Pendragonne
atalantapendrag
28 April 2005 @ 02:04 pm
50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts, Appendix F  
50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts

Appendix A

Appendix B

Appendix C: 50 Things Kleenexwoman, 12th level chaotic neutral mage, is not allowed to do at Hogwarts


Appendix D


Appendix E: 101 things haldirsbitch is not allowed to do at Hogwarts


ETA:Appendix G: Yet More Errata and Even More Addenda




Errata-

I will not give Dobby a biography of Wat Tyler.

I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives".

If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".

I may not purchase a wand from Good Vibrations.

I will not challenge Peeves to a "Who can sing 'The Rattlin Bog' faster" contest in the library.

I will not teach the first-years 'The Ball at Kerrymuir'.

-I will not reward them for coming up with new verses.

I will not use Transfiguration spells to give any of the cats thumbs.

Abathia Swelter does not run the Hogwarts kitchens.

"Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is not an actual spell.

I will not send Wizarding photos to The Fortean Times.

-Especially not with a note reading "Ha ha figure this one out you bastards!".

Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.

Must not ask Bill Weasley where else he's pierced.

-and certainly not ask to see it.





Redhotpuppies' addenda-

I am not allowed to put life-sized replica's of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy on top of each other.

-Especially if they are nude.

I am not allowed to give Dumbledore Earwax flavored Bertie Botts.

-Nor am I allowed to change the flavor of his lemon drops to Escargot.

I am not allowed to spike Professor Snape's Coffee.

-Especially if it's LSD.

I am not allowed to sic Padfoot on Umbridge.

I am not allowed to tell the first years that Werewolves are cute and cuddley.

-Especially when Lupin is teaching.

I am not allowed to feed first years to the Giant Squid.

I am not allowed to say there is a fifth house called 'Sparklypoo'.

Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Granger's cat.

-And I should not try to breed them.

-Nor Granger's cat with Mrs. Norris.

Putting Fake spiders around Ron Weasley's bed is not funny.

-Especially when he tries to jump out the window.

I am not allowed to tell the firsties that Filch eats little children.

-Nor am I to plant incriminating evidence in his office.

I am not allowed to set up a blind date between Potter and Malfoy.

-Nor Granger and Zabini

-Nor Dumbledore and Tre-Heck, I'm not allowed to set up any at all!

I am not allowed to scowl at the firsties.

-Especially the Hufflepuffs.

-Even in when I am in my Lord Voldy costume.









Megalomaniageek's addenda-

Nobody will find a muggle chemistry joke in Potions funny more than once.

I must not use an insanely expensive broom to sweep a floor.

- even if I take a picture of Harry's face when he sees it happening.

The First Years are not 'pledges' and they do not need 'hazing'.

- Might still do it anyway.

Don't give shampoo to Snape every Christmas.

- If you insist, at least don't put your name on it.

Telling Harry you've found his parents (and you're keeping them in hiding) really isn't funny.

- But telling Voldemort the same thing is (but have an escape plan).

He Who Must Not Be Named does not refer to something in your pants.

Playing Ding-Dong-Ditch anywhere in Hogwarts is unacceptable behavior.

- Especially with Moody.

'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead' is not appropriate at a funeral.

Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

- Especially in front of Slytherins.

- Especially in front of Snape.

- Double especially in front of Snape during potions.

The Patronus double entendre about 'white stuff coming out of a wand' is getting old.

I am not to wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.



ebilleprechaun's addenda-

Not allowed to hand out anti-werewolf pamphlets in
Professor Lupin's class.

First years are not toys, and I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.

Not allowed to insinuate things about Ron Weasley by changing the lyrics to "Weasley is our Queen."

Not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask himto call me "mini me."

Draco Malfoy's name is not Westley, nor the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I should stop referring to him as such.

Not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.

My school uniform is not "black velvet and a littleboy smile."

Not allowed to attend Gobstones Club until I actuallylearn to play Gobstones.

Not allowed to make up song lyrics for everything myProfessor says.

-Not allowed to use real song lyrics, either.

Not allowed to redecorate the Gryffindor common room in shades of green and silver.

Not allowed to transfigure Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger into animals to answer the age old question "What happens when you cross a weasel and a beaver?"

Not allowed to declare Official Hug A Slytherin Day.

-Especially if it's just an excuse to grab Blaise Zabini's bum.

I did not catch Cat Scratch Fever from Granger's feline.

Not allowed to dye school owls all the colors of the rainbow.

-Not allowed to dye them one color of the rainbow, either.

Not allowed to stage a hostile takeover of the kitchens and force the house-elves to serve broccoli and cheese casserole at every meal.

Not allowed to send the elves to capture Seamus Finnigan.

Not allowed to use the Room of Requirement to host meetings of the Harry Potter fanclub.

I should keep my opinions about Quidditch being "one big sexual innuendo" to myself.

"You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy" is not the school song.

Not allowed to ask Ginny Weasley for chicken killing tips.

Not allowed to compose Haiku poems showing my loyalty to "Dark Lord Insert-Name-Here" and write them on the walls.

Not allowed to make kissy noises and tell Hermione Granger "Good luck" before every Quidditch game.

Not allowed to blame failing grades on a severe lack of coffee.

Not allowed to give out Strangling Scarves as Christmas presents.

The proper response to a directive from a Professor or prefect is not "Have you been smoking Billywig stings?!"

There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every
year.

Not allowed to make lewd comments to Madame Hooch about sticks and balls.

There are no "Monthly Gryffindor/Hufflepuff orgies" and I should stop talking about them.




stawberi's addendum and codicil-

I will not refer to Voldemort as The Dark Lord Chuckles The Silly Piggy

- Nor anyone else




Send any future contributions to ladylilyfox@yahoo.com.

The "50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts" CafePress store has many new designs, thanks to [info]waywardoctagon... so many I needed to make The 50 Things Annex! Even more designs coming soon, and if you have any suggestions of things you'd like to see, let me know.

and if you haven't seen these yet, check out

[info]greenabsinthe's icons

[info]behindblue_eyes' icons

[info]queene_icons' icons

and this fic by [info]kashuarashi
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24 comments | Leave a comment
 
( 24 comments — Post a new comment )
E[info]txt_eva on April 28th, 2005 08:28 pm (UTC)
"Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is not an actual spell.

-Attempting to say it backwards is also not a spell
-Teaching it to Peeves will get me a detention


Must not ask Bill Weasley where else he's pierced.
-and certainly not ask to see it.

-And if it do see it, I must take photos.
-I must not post said photos in the common room


I am not allowed to say there is a fifth house called 'Sparklypoo'.

SPARKKLLLLYYPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


The First Years are not 'pledges' and they do not need 'hazing'.
- Might still do it anyway.

- Might use this list as a guide

Don't give shampoo to Snape every Christmas.
- If you insist, at least don't put your name on it.

- Or someone elses. Especially if it rhymes in "otter"

Draco Malfoy's name is not Westley, nor the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I should stop referring to him as such.

-I must not set ROUS size on him to test this.
-Unless he is willing to jump down a hill screaming "Asss yoooou wiiiiisssshhhh"
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on April 28th, 2005 08:57 pm (UTC)
Must not ask Bill Weasley where else he's pierced.
-and certainly not ask to see it.

-And if it do see it, I must take photos.
-I must not post said photos in the common room



...I will instead mail them to... *snicker*

Am I correct in remembering you like to be credited as txt_eva?

E[info]txt_eva on April 28th, 2005 09:03 pm (UTC)
mail them to me!!!!

yes thank you!
madame sosostris[info]shantih on April 28th, 2005 11:34 pm (UTC)
lmfao.

Has anyone told you lately that you rock?
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on April 28th, 2005 11:43 pm (UTC)
Why, thank you!


Although some people, I think, are more inclined to throw rocks...


But yes, I keep getting great submissions, and even come up with extras of my own at times.
Liz: instability: WMD elmo[info]writers_wrath on April 29th, 2005 02:54 am (UTC)
Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI"

And I second the "you rock" comment. :) These totally make my day.
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on April 29th, 2005 03:02 am (UTC)
I'm glad you're enjoying them! How would you like to be credited?
Liz: king of the world[info]writers_wrath on April 29th, 2005 03:05 am (UTC)
Er...writers_wrath is fine! :) Yay!

I'm printing these off to keep at school with me for when the children start making my left eye twitch.

"Shouting 'Crucio' at students while brandishing a quill/pencil isn't remotely funny." Not that I've tried. ;)
Atalanta Pendragonne: SnapeClerks[info]atalantapendrag on April 29th, 2005 03:31 am (UTC)
*g* there are journals and notecards in the Cafepress store as well as a slew of shirts, mugs, and totebags. (and I don't make a red cent, so it doesn't matter to me if you buy `em)
Sadie: Snape[info]megalomaniageek on April 29th, 2005 07:52 am (UTC)
Third on the 'You Rock.'
I read the Skippy list and a thing or two inspired me to make a two more.

~ "Shpadoinkle" is not a spell.
~ Snape's ingredient cabinet/closet is NOT filled with yummy candy, and I should stop telling the first years that it is
- moreso, it is not filled with any kind of drug
~ I am not to make hundreds of muggle inside jokes to witches and wizards who will not get them
- Especially if they are offensive and/or suggestive
- Yes, this DOES include introducing yourself to Harry (or anybody else for that matter) as Mary Sue
- Breaking the fourth wall is unacceptable behavior
~ Upon gaining Prefect status, I am not to use my new powers to get any of the following: somebody to do my homework for me, sexual favors (giving and/or receiving), added titles to my name (Princess, Goddess, Her Highness, Dark Lordess, etc.), human shields, and/or somebody else's power of attorney.
~ Draco Malfoy is not really a 'girl down there' and saying so is wrong
- checking is worse
~ The '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' song is over when I enter Hogwarts
- Even if I forgot on the train, started late, and am only at 97
- Changing what is in the bottles doesn't make it better
~ I must resist the urge to use Human Transfiguration for evil. I really, really must.
~ Making a Polyjuice Potion and going up to the person I've turned into to make them go crazy/act like a walking mirror is not funny
- Doing bad things in their body to incriminate them isn't either (Especially going as Harry, Draco, or Ron to hit on one of the other two)
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on April 29th, 2005 08:06 pm (UTC)
These? Rule.
Eldalossë Súrilenda, the Snow Elf Sphynx: Lynx: Sleepy[info]snowelf on April 29th, 2005 01:16 pm (UTC)
I thought of a new one.

My grandfather is not Death, and I am not allowed to telly anyone he is.

- Even if it's true.

Skeletons' ribs are not xylophones.

I am allowed a cat, a rat, a frog or an owl, not a Swamp Dragon.

I can't remember if this one has been suggested already, but I thought of this one:

"I am not allowed to transfigure the Hogwarts Librarian into an orangutan."
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on April 29th, 2005 08:04 pm (UTC)
Oh, lovely! I think the Librarian one did pop up in an earlier one, but I'm grinning like mad at these... I'm a sucker for Discworld jokes (although I'm sadly behind on the book). Credit to snowelf?
Eldalossë Súrilenda, the Snow Elf Sphynx: Alkinoe[info]snowelf on April 29th, 2005 08:08 pm (UTC)
I am a sucker for Discworld myself. I just did a presentation on Discworld in school. Got my teacher and quite a few students interested.

Yeah, I figured the librarian one was already taken.

I thought of another one. "Trying to bribe the librarian with bananas will not get me into the restricted section."

Yep, credit to snowelf as always.
☠ Adrienne ☠: forgetful[info]snarkaddict on May 27th, 2005 03:36 am (UTC)
More contributions
I will never, ever ask Professor Lupin if he wants to star in "A British Werewolf in Paris".

- Or the remake of "The Wolf Man".

- I will definitely not ask him if he starred in the movie, "Curse of the Queerwolf".

- Or Underworld and Van Helsing.

- Basically, any movies with werewolves in them.


I will not ask Professor Snape if he was in "Interview With An Vampire".

- Or the inspiration behind Anne Rice's work.

- Or have a bet among the Muggleborn students about which vampire Professor Snape best resembles.

- Not even if I donate the winnings to the Hogwarts Faculty.


I will not ask Sirius Black to star in "The Dogfather".

- Or if he has ever considered building a career that will rival Lassie's.


I will not ask Professor Snape if he is really the Voice of God or the Devil.

- Nor will I ask him if tights pinch horribly.

- I will also not ask him to show me.


I will not ask Professor Snape why on earth would any movie directors cast him as himself in Rasputin and again in Galaxy Quest.

- With no makeup.


Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.

- Except when he answers, "Yes" before catching on.

- Bonus points if he blushes.


Coming to class and seeing the same Professors everytime does not entitle you to shout, "There is a blip in the Matrix."

- Nor should you say "Deja-vu" at any time.

- Nor offer the choice of two pills to any students.


Asking Tonks for a demonstration on how fast she can change looks is just plain cruel and evil.

- That goes as well for asking her to change to Marilyn Monroe or Jenna Jameson before having sex.


Doing something bad then waving your arms at the Professor who caught you while saying, "I did nothing wrong here." does not work.

- Not even with the real spells because, let's face it. You're not powerful enough.


Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy Professor make.

- Funny, it is not.


Saying "Aren't you a little short for a Professor?" to Flitwick is generally not a good idea.

- I will try hard not to snigger at Flitwick's imagined response, "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"


I will not ask Professor McGonagall if there's anything underneath her kilt.

- Or Oliver Wood, for that matter.


I will also not ask Professor McGonagall if she was in "Josie and the Pussycats".


In no way am I to address Professor McGonagall as "Here, kitty, kitty."

- Or dangle a mouse in front of her and say, "Come and get it."

- Or say, "Time for your bathtime, kitty cat."


I will not ask the Weasley Twins and Lee Jordan if "Three Men and a Baby" was based on their real-life account.


I will not matchmake up both the Weasley and Patil twins with the other.

- Without their consent.

- And forced on a double date.

- For the whole school to see.
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on May 27th, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
Re: More contributions
Great addenda! What name would you like to be credited as?
☠ Adrienne ☠: forgetful[info]snarkaddict on May 27th, 2005 05:27 am (UTC)
Re: More contributions
Thanks! Adrienne. Thanks for compiling everything! *sings: This is the list that never ends....*
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on May 27th, 2005 05:30 am (UTC)
Re: More contributions
Never ends is right... we're on appendix J!
miss tori[info]misstoric on June 14th, 2005 04:19 pm (UTC)
The Floo net is not for porn.
No potions require a "one eyed trouser snake"
Even if Fred and George Weasley did it, I am not allowed to run a business out of the dorms.
Especially an escort service
Even if the teachers get a cut
Even if the teachers get freebies
The headmaster does not already have the "pimped out gear"
I will not get dare Peeves to whisper "They float. They all float,and
when you get down here, you'll float too!" through the pipes into the bathrooms.
There is not a "disturbing lack of cow relocation spells in the curriculum."
I am not to tell muggle born first years that a public pig blood shower is necessary to gain their wizarding powers.
It was wrong to tell Harry Potter, that Voldemort can only be defeated by the "Godwin" spell.
Mudungus Fletcher is not an "Action Transvestite"
Nor is he a "Sweet Transvestite"
If by some chance I am a penguin animagus, I may not follow people around saying, "Slide!"
I will not organize a Hogwart's Fight Club.
"I was dead at the time!" is not an acceptable excuse.
No, it did not work for Peter Pettigrew.
I will not attempt spells that have anything to do with Genitalia
It doesn't matter how bad the rash is.
No one is interested in how I got the rash.
Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell
Neither does adding "izzle"
Moaning Myrtle is not Sadeko and it is wrong to tell first years she is.
House points will not be replaced by a Battle Royale and it is wrong to tell first years they will be.
It is not necessary to label my History of Magic essay for spoilers.
No magical creature yet discovered reproduces by masturbating
No, I have not discovered a new species.

Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on June 16th, 2005 09:38 pm (UTC)
Ok, these are seriously awesome. Do you want to be credited as [info]misstoric, or something else?
miss tori[info]misstoric on June 17th, 2005 05:05 am (UTC)
Misstoric Is fine
and can you throw in
"Pornographic films are not an accurate representation of muggle life and it is wrong to tell purebloods they are"
"No matter how much the postman/pizza guy/census taker appreciates it"?
Atalanta Pendragonne[info]atalantapendrag on June 17th, 2005 06:10 am (UTC)
Added! :)
River Tam[info]astralchrysalis on December 6th, 2005 08:58 pm (UTC)
I am not, at any time, to allow Professor Trewlany to see, "The Shining," "The Others," or "The Ring."

I will not ask Snape what kind of gel he uses.

I will not tell the first years that jumping from the Astronomy Tower on a full moon gives you special powers.

There is NOT, or will there ever be a pool on the roof.

I will not tell the first years that the Whomping Willow gives out chocolate on Christmas, at sunset.

I will not stage the Battle of Gettysburg in the Room of Nessecity.

I will not tell Professor Moody that I will put my junk in his trunk.

I will not sign up He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for speech therapy.

I will not make laxitives in potions.

I will not point frantically at a first year's tea leaves and scream, "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

*giggle*

*~Jei.
Flarn-Munching Priestess of Z'Ha'Dum[info]commanderd on January 18th, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC)
I am disgustingly behind the times, I only just read these and have been chuckling wildly all afternoon. And getting some pretty funny looks from my staff in the process....

Anyhow, a few more:

There is no cow level
- Not even in transfiguration class
He-who-shall-not-be-named does not TALK LIKE THIS
Must not use broom to 'squish' anything
- Even Slytherins
I will not ask for a piggy-back ride off a centaur
- Even if I have blisters
Must not sell coloured water and sucre to Muggles as 'Magic Penile Growth formula'
- Nor use the Flue network to spam advertisements for such