50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts

Appendix A: Addenda and Errata

Appendix B

Appendix C: 50 Things Kleenexwoman, 12th level chaotic neutral mage, is not allowed to do at Hogwarts


Appendix D

Appendix E: 101 things haldirsbitch is not allowed to do at Hogwarts

Appendix F

Appendix G: Yet More Errata and Even More Addenda

Appendix H: Still more Errata, Yet more Addenda

Appendix I

Appendix J

ETA:Appendix L






Errata-

Calling Bellatrix Lestrange "Winnowill" to her face is a Really Bad Idea.

None of the centaurs are named Kosh.

The Potions classroom is not Kitchen Stadium.

-Professor Snape is most definitely not to be addressed as Chairman Kaga.

Teaching Peeves "Banned From Argo" is an offense punishable by Avada Kedavra.

It is impolite to ask Remus Lupin what his Auspice is.

Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.

There is absolutely no significance to the fact that the Gryffindor Keeper has red hair.

-Even if they do wear red robes.

-and I am not to make speculations about his sexual experience based on these facts.



thewacked1's addendum-

Must stop telling Potter that he has a "wand that turns me on".





Rev. First Speaker Schol-R-LEA;2's addenda-


I am not the Witch of Westmoreland, and should not offer to 'bestow my favour' to anyone.

There is no such thing as a 'wotch'.

Professor McGonagall is not related to Clan Chattan, nor does she suffer from "the Curse of Mor Sine".



CassiBlack's addenda-


Umbridge is not, and never was, a queen or a toad and I will stop referring to her as such.

-She does not want me to hook her up with Trevor.

Bungee jumping off the is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.

-Changing the location does not make it appropriate.

-No matter how much money I make.

Gryffindor's sword is not to be used to patrol the hallways.

Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas.

-No combination of these is acceptable.

I will not take bets on how long the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will last.

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

I will stop sending Professor Sprout love notes signed "N.L".

Nothing good can come from a situation that starts with "Hold my drink and watch this." The type of drink does not matter.

Spiking the school's supply of pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much we enjoyed ourselves that night.

I cannot teach firsties how to fly without a broom and I will give them their money back when they recover.

Hearing the word "it" does not cause me any pain.

I am not being repressed.

I will refrain from holding fights between the house mascots and will not take bets on the out comes.

Skinny dipping in the lake is frowned upon.

Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West and will not melt if I pour water on her.

-Neither will Snape.

Tattooing the Dark Mark on other students' forearms is frowned upon.

-So is tattooing an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead.

I will stop telling firsties that they will have good luck if they kiss the Whomping Willow.

-This is not funny.

I will not encourage Peeves in any way, shape, or form.

I will not tickle a sleeping dragon "just to see what happens."

-I will not have firsties or Hufflepuffs do it for me.

I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

Professor Flitwick does not like to be called "Mini Me"

Professor Lupin is not addicted to chocolate and I will stop implying that he is.

-I will also cancel the intervention.

I will not switch Umbridge's special quill with her normal ones.

-It was not an honest mistake.

Saying something is forbidden is not a personal challenge.

It is still illegal even if I don't get caught.

I will not mutiny against the Ministry and/or Hogwarts authorities.

-I am very lucky I was not thrown in Azkaban the last time.



Krista's addenda-


I am not allowed to pass my time by licking my wand suggestively.

- especially towards Snape when he is teaching class.

- even more especially when he is tutoring me one-on-one.

- nor will I ask him, as he is a Legilimens, if in my mind “he likes what he sees” whilst licking said wand.

I am not allowed to giggle incessantly whenever Professor Lupin and Sirius Black enter a room at the same time.

- nor am I allowed to start singing loud porno music.

- singing “If you were gay” is also not appropriate.

- neither is asking them about “doin’ it doggy style”.

I am not allowed to teach any of the house pictures to use passwords involving lewd situations between Harry and Malfoy in order to allow the students to get in.

- same goes for the prefects lavatory.

Murmuring “I see dead people… ” every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

Asking the house elves if they like punishing themselves is inappropriate.

- especially when other people are around.

- also, asking them if they “must obey my every command” is frowned upon.

Asking the Weasley twins if they are good at “BEATING OFF… those bludgers” is not an appropriate question.

I am not allowed to sing “Can you feel the love tonight?” whenever Harry and Malfoy argue.

Telling Snape that “one night with me could turn that frown upside-down” is not a way to get House points.

- neither is telling him that I heard “the bigger the noses, the bigger the hoses”.

- neither is telling McGonagall that I could “loosen that bun of her's any time”.

- neither is singing “like a virgin” to either of them.

Telling people that Dumbledore’s beard is “just something to hold onto during a wild ride” is just wrong.

No one likes my “universal hug spell” and I should stop pretending that they do by casting it on everyone.

- I should also not claim that it would bring about world peace if everyone would just accept it.

I am not funny. No matter how much I make myself laugh.

Telling every first year that all of the Slytherins are transsexuals is not very nice and only partly true.

Telling Ron Weasley that I’d be interested in taking a dip in his gene pool is not appreciated.

Asking Lupin if he is “hungry like the wolf” does not make him laugh.

- neither does asking Sirius “waz up, dawg?”.

“Banana hammock” is not a spell and no one else thinks those words are as funny as I do.

- I can no longer say “banana hammock” under any circumstances.

Making a slinky go from the top of the astronomy tower to the ground level is not an appropriate pastime

- especially while singing “everyone loves a slinky”.

- especially while singing “everyone loves a slinky” until the slinky hits the bottom.

- especially while singing “everyone loves a slinky” until the slinky hits the bottom and starting the whole process over again whenever the slinky gets stuck.

- apparently, not everyone loves a slinky.

Remarking how I could “really make Myrtle moan” is not decent.

I should not scream every time I see someone transfigure.

- even if it did “surprise me”.

Calling Madame Maxime “Ivana Humpalot” is not nice.

“Special brownies” are frowned upon.

- even if the results are hilarious.

- especially if given to the staff.

Yelling “to infinity, and BEYOND!” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

Responding to everything a professor says with “Your mom!” is generally frowned upon.

- same goes for anything Harry says.

Asking Hagrid if he’s “big where it counts” is not only inappropriate but also results in much blushing.

- same goes for telling him that I have a magical creature for him to tame… in my pants.

Even though Voldemort does give his followers rings, he is not Captain Planet and none of the Death Eaters have powers in “wind, water, earth, fire, heart!”.

- I should not sing the Captain Planet theme song whenever I see them.

Singing the Darth Vader theme song whenever Snape enters the room does not make him happy.

- neither does any singing from me ever.

Harry gets uncomfortable when I tell him that parseltongue is sexy, and that he can “coax my snake” anytime.

Telling people they “have the FLOO!!” and then laughing hysterically whenever anyone takes the floo only reveals me as being an idiot.

I am no longer allowed to sing my “own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways.

Doing a strip-tease every time I change in my dormitory is not only distracting but vile.

- same goes for changing for quidditch.

- or any time I remove clothing.

- I am no longer allowed to remove clothing in the presence of others.

People don’t like it when I run around poking everything with my wand and yelling “doink!” because I claim it keeps the monsters away.

Pretending I have epilepsy is not funny.

- especially when casting a spell.

- even more especially when playing quidditch.

I am not allowed to require all first years to refer to me as “the most high and honorable master of the universe” and bang a gong whenever I enter a room.

I do not speak the “international language of love”.

- nor should I inform any exchange students that I do.

- or that it is a real language that I could “teach” them.

I should not remark that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” when Snape gets angry. Ever.

Kicking people and then running away is a good way to get yourself hexed.

- so is putting fingers in people’s food and then running away.

- same goes for ripping their papers and then running away.

Whenever someone casts a spell, it is not appropriate to turn to them and scream that they are the “TOOL OF SATAN!” and that they should “CEASE IN PRACTISING SUCH DEMONRY!”.

- neither is any such impersonation of a southern Bapist preacher.

- this includes attempting to perform an exorcism on anyone performing a spell.

I should not sell t-shirts saying “Merlin is my homeboy”.

- same goes for “Voldemort is my homeboy”.

If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell “MORPHIN’ TIME!” every time I change.

- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

Introducing all of the non-muggle-borns to Spongebob Squarepants and then making them watch it over and over again, claiming it is the “funniest show ever,” is cruel.

I am not allowed to sing the Bee Jees after drinking firewhiskey.

Calling Lucius Malfoy “a luscious mouthful” is just plain gross.

- it is especially wrong when I call him that around Draco.

- or Narcissa.

Yelling “BOO!” at Professor Moody is not wise.

Remarking “that’s what your mom said last night” to anything anyone else says was only marginally funny the first time.

- it was never funny when said to Harry.

- Sirius, however, finds it funny.

No one wants to see where the “real magic happens”.

- especially when I am referring to my dormitory.

- or my bed.

- or my pants.

Calling Snape my “biatch” is not appreciated.

- nor is calling him my “pimp-daddy”.

- same goes for Lucius.

I am forbidden from calling Draco “my little sunshine-head”.

- same goes for calling him “snookerdoodles,” “pumpkin-pants,” “drakey-poo,” “love-muffin,” “golden lion of love,” or “baby-face-ickle-uber-cutie-pie.”

I am not allowed to scream “SCAR!!!” while pointing at Harry’s forehead before diving under the closest available object anymore.

I am no longer, nor was I ever, allowed to hold ceremonies that involve sacrifices of any kind.

- this includes house elves.

- and first years.

- and Hagrid’s pets.

- and Slytherins.

- and muggles.

- and, especially, Snape.

There is no Hogwarts radio, and I am not the “redhot DJ for the coooool midnight hours”.

No one cares that I “wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener”.

- I should stop pretending they do.

- especially since half of them don't know what these "wieners" are.

I should stop asking Dumbledore to do a “pointy-hat trick”.

- and, no, he doesn’t know any balrogs.

Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as “crabs and goiter”.

I should NEVER use the term “hornier than a Malfoy in a locker room”.

There are no house cheerleaders and I am not one of them.

- I am not allowed to pretend I am one by cheering inappropriately.

- even during Wizard’s chess.

I am not allowed to ask any of the Malfoys if it's "true that blonds have more fun?".

- same goes for the Weasleys and redheads.

I should stop telling Professor Trelawney that I see "a half-naked man lying on a bed, enticing me with fresh nectars" in my crystal ball.

- even if it's true.



Seeress of Kell's addenda-


Despite the fact that there's probably a good market for them, I am not allowed to try to sell Harry, Ron, or Hermione on eBay.

-I'm not allowed to try to sell anyone on eBay, no matter how much money I would make.

Hermione's parents are not close personal friends of the Tooth Fairy, and I should stop making innuendos about it.

Mad Eye will not let me borrow his magical eye.

-He won't sell it or rent it out either, so don't even ask.

I should stop anonymously sending Hermione bottles of Sleekeazy's.

Handing out bottles of Astroglide to the boys and telling them it's "wand" polish is unacceptable.

-Handing out bottles of Astroglide at all is unacceptable.

I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

Putting a Snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't all that funny.

-Even if it does make him scream like a girl.

I am not allowed to use the Marauder's Map while playing Hide-and-Seek in the corridors, because that is cheating.

-Actually, I'm not allowed to play Hide-and-Seek in the corridors.

-Or in the classrooms.

-Or in the Prefect's bathroom.

-Or in Dumbledore's office.

-I am not allowed to play Hide-and-Seek at all.

Telling the boys that Hermione is giving "wand polishing" lessons in the Gryffindor Common Room is just plain wrong, and I should refund their money.

-Even if she really is.



catvincent's addenda-

I will stop encouraging others to go up to Harry Potter and say, "Wow! Are you really... Tim Hunter? Oops I'm sorry, I meant Christopher Chant..."

I will not tell students the new DADA teacher is any of the following;

-John Constantine (the proper one, not the one who looks like Neo)

-Neo

-King Mob or associates of same

-Dr. Egon Spengler or associates of same

-Dr. Stephen Strange

-Yoda

-Zatanna

-Ash

-Rupert Giles

-Willow Rosenberg

-Wesley Windham-Price

-Fox Mulder

-Rincewind

-Roland Deschain of Gilead

-Elric of Melnibone

-Anita Blake

-Arvin Sloane

-Alfred Bester

-Lyta Alexander

-JR 'Bob' Dodds

-Silent Bob

-A superannuated Elvis Presley

-Robert Anton Wilson

-Derek Acorah

...even if any of them would do a better job than previous encumbents.

-Except Acorah.


And I will also not say that Snape has been replaced by Timothy Leary, Albert Hoffman, Terence McKenna, Alexander Shulgin or Frank N Furter.




Natasha's addenda-


Naming individual blades of grass is not funny, it is simply irritating.

Stripping and dancing in the rain singing Bob Dylan songs is inappropriate.

Eating plastic fruit does not count as a portion of fruit.

Singing Placebo's song 'Bionic' at any time, in any place, will get me a detention.

I am not allowed to skinny dip in the lake.

-The giant squid did not blackmail me into doing this.

-I am not in love with the giant squid.

I must not make fake pictures of Harry and Draco doing inappropriate things and post them around the school.

-Musn't use real ones, either.

Snape has heard every joke possible about his hair by now.

Dying Snape's hair pink in his sleep is considered harrasment.

Playing the penis game is not, I repeat NOT funny.

-Not even if the word penis is substituted for 'vagina'.

No one cares that I think can hold my breath longer than Kurt Cobain.

No one cares that I had a dream about Snape wearing fairy wings.

No one cares that.. Okay, no one cares, period.

Slipknot are a kickass band. However, recording them onto a Howler and sending them to head table, is not kickass.

No matter how much you ask, they aren't going to have Bleeding Through playing at the Yule Ball.

I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's hands together.

-Nor Dumbledore and Snape.

-Nor Seamus and Dean.

-Even though they didn't mind.

-Not allowed to use the superglue spell, ever.

If I think it is a good idea, I am not allowed to do it.

Mrs Norris does not like being dressed in a tutu.

I am not allowed near the house-elves, after the incident with Dobby and the blue paint.

Sid Vicious is dead. Get over it.

I must stop bribing people to make out in front of me because I am not getting any.

-I will never, ever get any.

When in the presense of the Dark Lord, I must call him The Dark Lord. Not 'Snake-Face, the Dark Lord Happy Pants'. Remember what happened last time?

-Laughing at the Dark Lord's voice is not smart.

-Telling the Dark Lord where he can stick it is... not smart.

-No matter what I say to the Dark Lord, I will never make him laugh.

Just because the forgein exchange student is called 'Mary-Lou' gives me no right to nickname her 'Cliché'.

-No one will ever understand my jokes.



Malabar's addenda-

I must not report Hogwarts to the EPA for flushing raw sewage into the lake.

I must not try to work out the Galleon/pound sterling exchange rate by relying on the price of Quidditch Through the Ages.

I must not write gratuitous crossovers between Hogwarts and every other fictional universe that might be vaguely familiar to Harry Potter readers.




Send any future contributions to ladylilyfox@yahoo.com.

The "50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts" CafePress store

The 50 Things Annex

The 50 Things One-Liners Store! Got a favorite to suggest? Comment or email! If it's from the addenda, please name the contributor.

50 Things Storm Cellar