50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts
Appendix A: Addenda and Errata
Appendix B
Appendix C: 50 Things Kleenexwoman, 12th level chaotic neutral mage, is not allowed to do at Hogwarts
Appendix D
Appendix E: 101 things haldirsbitch is not allowed to do at Hogwarts
Appendix F
Appendix G: Yet More Errata and Even More Addenda
Appendix H: Still more Errata, Yet more Addenda
Appendix I
Appendix J
Appendix K
ETA: The final appendix, Appendix oMega, is up. Send any future contributions to ladylilyfox@yahoo.com.
Errata-
Poetry is all well and good, but Gringotts is not the place for an impromptu recital of "Goblin Market".
Claiming to be Cult of Ecstasy does not entitle me to hold drugged orgies in the common room.
-even if I invite my professors.
Under no circumstances am I to refer to Professor Snape as a "bloodsucking, day-sleeping, turtle-hating, creepy-crawling, no-toilet-paper-buying, inconsiderate bitch".
-even if I heard Professor Lupin address him as such.
Snorting cocoa powder will not get me high.
-even if I insist on referring to it as "theobromos".
House Elves do not have Marketplace files.
"Crucio" is not a good safeword.
"The enemy's gate is down" is not a viable Quidditch strategy.
I am not to call Draco Malfoy a "miserable pale piece of pig's ear".
hangingfire's addenda-
I will not call out "Stay on target!" to my teammates during Quidditch matches.
I will not refer to my wand as "my boom-stick".
- Nor will I refer to my classmates as "you primitive screw-heads".
I will not call my wand "an elegant weapon for a more civilised age".
- Not even to amuse the other Muggleborns.
Angel (valarltd)'s addenda-
Teaching Peeves to sing "The Good Ship Venus" is an expellable offense.
-teaching the firsties will merely get me detention until I'm 20.
I am not in "Sparklypoo," and must not claim to be Dumbledore's daughter.
-Neither am I in "TootsieTramp."
-my robes are not to be altered accordingly for either house.
Alara Moonrunner's addenda-
Quoting lines or scenes from the Valdemar series anytime a professor calls on me is not amusing.
-Especially if I'm in Severus's class
-This is a good way to annoy the purebloods, who then want to kill me.
Singing snippets from various anime openings or endings is not good either.
-No one but me understands them.
-If I do it again i'll have detention for life.
-Same for anything j-rock/j-pop.
I will not mention anything about a snake's tongue and my body.
-I will get expelled.
I will not mention anything about evil overlords and their IQ, nor will I show the evil overlord the list.
I will not teach firsties Valby songs, this will earn me detention for eternity.
-Nor will I sing them myself.
calenture's addenda-
Magic Mouth is not a real spell, and even if it were it does not do what I think it does.
-Nor is Evard's Black Tentacles, and if that were a real spell I would be expelled for casting it in the girls' dormitory.
-The same goes for Bigby's Grasping Hand.
Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
I am not Harry Potter's long-lost sibling.
I am not Gul'dan, and it is VERY VERY VERY wrong to ask first years if they want to become Death Knights.
-Nor am I Ner'zhul, and in any case it is wrong to try open a Dark Portal in the Slytherin common room.
I am not the King of the Potato People, and I do not have a magic carpet.
"Rolling a natural 20 on my Charisma check" does NOT entitle me to sleep with any of the Hogwarts professors.
misstoric's addenda-
Pornographic films are not an accurate representation of muggle life and it is wrong to tell purebloods they are.
-No matter how much the postman/pizza guy/census taker appreciates it.
The Floo net is not for porn.
No potions require a "one eyed trouser snake".
Even if Fred and George Weasley did it, I am not allowed to run a business out of the dorms.
-Especially an escort service.
-Even if the teachers get a cut.
-Even if the teachers get freebies.
The headmaster does not already have the "pimped out gear".
I will not get dare Peeves to whisper "They float. They all float, and when you get down here, you'll float too!" through the pipes into the bathrooms.
There is not a "disturbing lack of cow relocation spells in the curriculum."
I am not to tell muggle born first years that a public pig blood shower is necessary to gain their wizarding powers.
It was wrong to tell Harry Potter, that Voldemort can only be defeated by the "Godwin" spell.
Mudungus Fletcher is not an "Action Transvestite".
Nor is he a "Sweet Transvestite".
If by some chance I am a penguin animagus, I may not follow people around saying, "Slide!"
I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.
"I was dead at the time!" is not an acceptable excuse.
-No, it did not work for Peter Pettigrew.
I will not attempt spells that have anything to do with genitalia.
-It doesn't matter how bad the rash is.
-No one is interested in how I got the rash.
Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell.
-Neither does adding "izzle".
Moaning Myrtle is not Sadako and it is wrong to tell first years she is.
House points will not be replaced by a Battle Royale and it is wrong to tell first years they will be.
It is not necessary to label my History of Magic essay for spoilers.
No magical creature yet discovered reproduces by masturbating
-No, I have not discovered a new species.
ainu_laire's addenda-
A house elf is NOT the child of an elf and a hobbit.
The sword of Gryffindor is not Andúril.
I will not burst out laughing whenever Harry, Ron, and/or Hermione start talking about their troll experience and exclaim, “You think THAT was bad? You should’ve seen the troll in Moria…”
I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.
I will not ask Harry Potter for an autograph.
- Continuously.
- In places that are considered ‘inappropriate for school’.
I cannot be a Pokemon animagus.
I am not to ask Aragog how things with the wife are.
- Especially if his wife is Shelob.
- Or Charlotte.
I will not stroke my wand and mutter “My Precious.”
- I won’t mutter that by Professor Snape either.
- Or Draco.
- But Harry is perfectly fine.
Dobby is NOT an albino orc.
-Or Gollum, for that matter.
I will not ask Wormtail if he is related to Wormtongue.
The Astronomy Tower is the Astronomy Tower, not Orthanc.
- Or Barad-dûr, for that matter.
42 is NOT the answer to every question on the OWLs.
Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.
I will stop asking the house elves to teach me Elvish.
I will stop trying to make up spells in Elvish.
- Or the Black Tongue
- Or Dwarvish
- Or any other language that has absolutely nothing to do with magic.
I must stop playing with Fluffy.
- Especially if it’s fetch.
- And he’s fetching first years.
- Or Snape. Or McGonagall. Or anyone, really.
Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.
- Nor are Remus and Sirius.
As much as I wish it, there are absolutely no connections between the wizarding world and LOTR *cries*
- Which means that Aragorn shall not be the next DADA teacher… dang it.
boducky's addenda-
I may not:
Call Professor McGonagall "Mother Superior".
Tell first years that Snape is the voice of God.
- Threaten to hit Snape with a fish.
Tell Slytherins that Dumbledore knows where the treasure of Caesar Spada is hidden.
Give Hufflepuffs Cream Soda and, after they drink it, tell them that it's an incurable Muggle poison.
Give students Viagra and tell them that it's a Muggle candy.
Hand out Smarties as contraceptives.
Add "tribbles" to the Care of Magical Creatures textbooks.
Shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.
Tell first years that French swear-words are really spells.
Call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
Tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".
Show Lupin and Sirius slash fanfics and ask them to act them out for me.
Show Snape slash fanfics.
When facing a Snape-boggart, I shall not imagine him dressed as Dr. Frankenfurter.
Call Dumbledor "Grandpa" again.
Steal Professor Flitwick and try to get him to tell me where his pot 'o gold is.
chemical_haven and daemon_llyr's addenda-
I will not scream “DON’T SPANK ME!” in potions class whenever Snape comes up behind me.
-Will also not scream “THIS ISN’T CATHOLIC SCHOOL!”
It is unwise to spread rumors on why Madam Pomfrey wants people to stay an extra day in the Hospital Wing.
Making rude comments about small boy molestation to the Fat Friar is wrong.
Making homosexual jokes about why Peeves obeys the Bloody Baron is wrong.
-Using Harry’s invisibity cloak to test this theory is also wrong.
Making fun of the color of any male Weasleys’ hair is wrong when using the example of their “member” as being a Blast-ended Skrewt.
Giving Sirius the alias ‘Benji’ is a bad plan.
Dancing around the common room and sing the “Bibbitty Bobbity Boo” song from Cinderella is no longer a good idea no matter how much it annoys Hermione.
Fondling Harry and screaming “TIS FIRM! TIS FIRM AS STONE!” is not a not a good idea.
Sending Professor Snape a Howler at breakfast disclosing orgasmic noise (involving himself) is wrong.
-so is sending one to any professor for that matter.
Singing the Mario Brothers Theme song whenever Professor Flitwick walks by isn’t a very good idea.
Sending a drugged Hermione, by herself, to St. Mungos to visit Lockhart is mean.
-Sending Molly Weasley is also not a good idea.
-Video taping this would make both circumstances catastrophic.
Pouring water on Crookshanks is funny… but cruel. And Hermione knows too many spells.
I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins “Merry and Pippin”.
-I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron “Frodo and Sam”.
-It probably isn’t smart to call Draco “Legolas” either.
niteofdreams's addenda-
I will not tell Crabbe and Goyle that if you say 'banana' fast enough, it sounds like 'gullible'.
-No matter how many times they believe it.
I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room everytime they start fighting.
-Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.
-Or Harry and Draco.
-I will not tell anyone to get a room when they are fighting.
I will not tell Luna Lovegood that I found a Wiggly Snouted Gimbler and then wave a puppet in her face.
-Even if she believes it.
Faeries do not float down in little bubbles and ask if you are a good witch or a bad witch.
Neville is not to be refered to as the Cowardly Lion.
I will not transfigure a slug into a chocolate and give it to Ron.
-He will find out.
I will not say that Harry and Ginny are history repeating itself.
I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.
I will not ask Hermione if she is going Back to the Future.
I will not charm a potato to waltz up and down a aisle with me
-Especially not if it is a produce aisle.
-I will not charm a tomato to talk.
I will not make a book of fanfiction, put a cover called "Stories of Famous Witches and Wizards Trials" on it, and tell Hermione that it is a new textbook.
Pointing out heRmiONe is not funny anymore.
-It was never funny.
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Appendix A: Addenda and Errata
Appendix B
Appendix C: 50 Things Kleenexwoman, 12th level chaotic neutral mage, is not allowed to do at Hogwarts
Appendix D
Appendix E: 101 things haldirsbitch is not allowed to do at Hogwarts
Appendix F
Appendix G: Yet More Errata and Even More Addenda
Appendix H: Still more Errata, Yet more Addenda
Appendix I
Appendix J
Appendix K
ETA: The final appendix, Appendix oMega, is up. Send any future contributions to ladylilyfox@yahoo.com.
Errata-
Poetry is all well and good, but Gringotts is not the place for an impromptu recital of "Goblin Market".
Claiming to be Cult of Ecstasy does not entitle me to hold drugged orgies in the common room.
-even if I invite my professors.
Under no circumstances am I to refer to Professor Snape as a "bloodsucking, day-sleeping, turtle-hating, creepy-crawling, no-toilet-paper-buying, inconsiderate bitch".
-even if I heard Professor Lupin address him as such.
Snorting cocoa powder will not get me high.
-even if I insist on referring to it as "theobromos".
House Elves do not have Marketplace files.
"Crucio" is not a good safeword.
"The enemy's gate is down" is not a viable Quidditch strategy.
I am not to call Draco Malfoy a "miserable pale piece of pig's ear".
hangingfire's addenda-
I will not call out "Stay on target!" to my teammates during Quidditch matches.
I will not refer to my wand as "my boom-stick".
- Nor will I refer to my classmates as "you primitive screw-heads".
I will not call my wand "an elegant weapon for a more civilised age".
- Not even to amuse the other Muggleborns.
Angel (valarltd)'s addenda-
Teaching Peeves to sing "The Good Ship Venus" is an expellable offense.
-teaching the firsties will merely get me detention until I'm 20.
I am not in "Sparklypoo," and must not claim to be Dumbledore's daughter.
-Neither am I in "TootsieTramp."
-my robes are not to be altered accordingly for either house.
Alara Moonrunner's addenda-
Quoting lines or scenes from the Valdemar series anytime a professor calls on me is not amusing.
-Especially if I'm in Severus's class
-This is a good way to annoy the purebloods, who then want to kill me.
Singing snippets from various anime openings or endings is not good either.
-No one but me understands them.
-If I do it again i'll have detention for life.
-Same for anything j-rock/j-pop.
I will not mention anything about a snake's tongue and my body.
-I will get expelled.
I will not mention anything about evil overlords and their IQ, nor will I show the evil overlord the list.
I will not teach firsties Valby songs, this will earn me detention for eternity.
-Nor will I sing them myself.
calenture's addenda-
Magic Mouth is not a real spell, and even if it were it does not do what I think it does.
-Nor is Evard's Black Tentacles, and if that were a real spell I would be expelled for casting it in the girls' dormitory.
-The same goes for Bigby's Grasping Hand.
Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
I am not Harry Potter's long-lost sibling.
I am not Gul'dan, and it is VERY VERY VERY wrong to ask first years if they want to become Death Knights.
-Nor am I Ner'zhul, and in any case it is wrong to try open a Dark Portal in the Slytherin common room.
I am not the King of the Potato People, and I do not have a magic carpet.
"Rolling a natural 20 on my Charisma check" does NOT entitle me to sleep with any of the Hogwarts professors.
misstoric's addenda-
Pornographic films are not an accurate representation of muggle life and it is wrong to tell purebloods they are.
-No matter how much the postman/pizza guy/census taker appreciates it.
The Floo net is not for porn.
No potions require a "one eyed trouser snake".
Even if Fred and George Weasley did it, I am not allowed to run a business out of the dorms.
-Especially an escort service.
-Even if the teachers get a cut.
-Even if the teachers get freebies.
The headmaster does not already have the "pimped out gear".
I will not get dare Peeves to whisper "They float. They all float, and when you get down here, you'll float too!" through the pipes into the bathrooms.
There is not a "disturbing lack of cow relocation spells in the curriculum."
I am not to tell muggle born first years that a public pig blood shower is necessary to gain their wizarding powers.
It was wrong to tell Harry Potter, that Voldemort can only be defeated by the "Godwin" spell.
Mudungus Fletcher is not an "Action Transvestite".
Nor is he a "Sweet Transvestite".
If by some chance I am a penguin animagus, I may not follow people around saying, "Slide!"
I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.
"I was dead at the time!" is not an acceptable excuse.
-No, it did not work for Peter Pettigrew.
I will not attempt spells that have anything to do with genitalia.
-It doesn't matter how bad the rash is.
-No one is interested in how I got the rash.
Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell.
-Neither does adding "izzle".
Moaning Myrtle is not Sadako and it is wrong to tell first years she is.
House points will not be replaced by a Battle Royale and it is wrong to tell first years they will be.
It is not necessary to label my History of Magic essay for spoilers.
No magical creature yet discovered reproduces by masturbating
-No, I have not discovered a new species.
ainu_laire's addenda-
A house elf is NOT the child of an elf and a hobbit.
The sword of Gryffindor is not Andúril.
I will not burst out laughing whenever Harry, Ron, and/or Hermione start talking about their troll experience and exclaim, “You think THAT was bad? You should’ve seen the troll in Moria…”
I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.
I will not ask Harry Potter for an autograph.
- Continuously.
- In places that are considered ‘inappropriate for school’.
I cannot be a Pokemon animagus.
I am not to ask Aragog how things with the wife are.
- Especially if his wife is Shelob.
- Or Charlotte.
I will not stroke my wand and mutter “My Precious.”
- I won’t mutter that by Professor Snape either.
- Or Draco.
- But Harry is perfectly fine.
Dobby is NOT an albino orc.
-Or Gollum, for that matter.
I will not ask Wormtail if he is related to Wormtongue.
The Astronomy Tower is the Astronomy Tower, not Orthanc.
- Or Barad-dûr, for that matter.
42 is NOT the answer to every question on the OWLs.
Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.
I will stop asking the house elves to teach me Elvish.
I will stop trying to make up spells in Elvish.
- Or the Black Tongue
- Or Dwarvish
- Or any other language that has absolutely nothing to do with magic.
I must stop playing with Fluffy.
- Especially if it’s fetch.
- And he’s fetching first years.
- Or Snape. Or McGonagall. Or anyone, really.
Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.
- Nor are Remus and Sirius.
As much as I wish it, there are absolutely no connections between the wizarding world and LOTR *cries*
- Which means that Aragorn shall not be the next DADA teacher… dang it.
boducky's addenda-
I may not:
Call Professor McGonagall "Mother Superior".
Tell first years that Snape is the voice of God.
- Threaten to hit Snape with a fish.
Tell Slytherins that Dumbledore knows where the treasure of Caesar Spada is hidden.
Give Hufflepuffs Cream Soda and, after they drink it, tell them that it's an incurable Muggle poison.
Give students Viagra and tell them that it's a Muggle candy.
Hand out Smarties as contraceptives.
Add "tribbles" to the Care of Magical Creatures textbooks.
Shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.
Tell first years that French swear-words are really spells.
Call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
Tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".
Show Lupin and Sirius slash fanfics and ask them to act them out for me.
Show Snape slash fanfics.
When facing a Snape-boggart, I shall not imagine him dressed as Dr. Frankenfurter.
Call Dumbledor "Grandpa" again.
Steal Professor Flitwick and try to get him to tell me where his pot 'o gold is.
chemical_haven and daemon_llyr's addenda-
I will not scream “DON’T SPANK ME!” in potions class whenever Snape comes up behind me.
-Will also not scream “THIS ISN’T CATHOLIC SCHOOL!”
It is unwise to spread rumors on why Madam Pomfrey wants people to stay an extra day in the Hospital Wing.
Making rude comments about small boy molestation to the Fat Friar is wrong.
Making homosexual jokes about why Peeves obeys the Bloody Baron is wrong.
-Using Harry’s invisibity cloak to test this theory is also wrong.
Making fun of the color of any male Weasleys’ hair is wrong when using the example of their “member” as being a Blast-ended Skrewt.
Giving Sirius the alias ‘Benji’ is a bad plan.
Dancing around the common room and sing the “Bibbitty Bobbity Boo” song from Cinderella is no longer a good idea no matter how much it annoys Hermione.
Fondling Harry and screaming “TIS FIRM! TIS FIRM AS STONE!” is not a not a good idea.
Sending Professor Snape a Howler at breakfast disclosing orgasmic noise (involving himself) is wrong.
-so is sending one to any professor for that matter.
Singing the Mario Brothers Theme song whenever Professor Flitwick walks by isn’t a very good idea.
Sending a drugged Hermione, by herself, to St. Mungos to visit Lockhart is mean.
-Sending Molly Weasley is also not a good idea.
-Video taping this would make both circumstances catastrophic.
Pouring water on Crookshanks is funny… but cruel. And Hermione knows too many spells.
I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins “Merry and Pippin”.
-I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron “Frodo and Sam”.
-It probably isn’t smart to call Draco “Legolas” either.
niteofdreams's addenda-
I will not tell Crabbe and Goyle that if you say 'banana' fast enough, it sounds like 'gullible'.
-No matter how many times they believe it.
I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room everytime they start fighting.
-Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.
-Or Harry and Draco.
-I will not tell anyone to get a room when they are fighting.
I will not tell Luna Lovegood that I found a Wiggly Snouted Gimbler and then wave a puppet in her face.
-Even if she believes it.
Faeries do not float down in little bubbles and ask if you are a good witch or a bad witch.
Neville is not to be refered to as the Cowardly Lion.
I will not transfigure a slug into a chocolate and give it to Ron.
-He will find out.
I will not say that Harry and Ginny are history repeating itself.
I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.
I will not ask Hermione if she is going Back to the Future.
I will not charm a potato to waltz up and down a aisle with me
-Especially not if it is a produce aisle.
-I will not charm a tomato to talk.
I will not make a book of fanfiction, put a cover called "Stories of Famous Witches and Wizards Trials" on it, and tell Hermione that it is a new textbook.
Pointing out heRmiONe is not funny anymore.
-It was never funny.
iikhushi86ii has made some great new icons!waywardoctagon has some announcements for contributors about the 50 Things CafePress merchandise graphics.The "50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts" CafePress store
The 50 Things Annex
The 50 Things One-Liners Store! Got a favorite to suggest? Comment or email! If it's from the addenda, please name the contributor.
50 Things Storm Cellar
50 Things Attic
50 Things Secret Passageway
50 Things Back Garden
The new Fifty Things Guest Lounge features items dedicated to a few of our more prolific contributors.
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