Because I am deeply insane...



Fifty Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
hogwarts_hocus Edition



1. Professor Cthulhu will not be flattered if I ask him to sign my copy of "Legend of the Overfiend".
2. I must not poke the serial killers.
3. If I am caught writing "All Hufflepuffs are useless pansies" on the bathroom wall I deserve everything that happens to me.
4. I must not tell the "Defence Against" Dark Arts Professor that he takes himself too seriously.
5. Having "the cold dead eyes of a killer" is not grounds for squibbing,
6. There is no rule six.
7. I will not tell DEATH that his capslock key is stuck.
8. If I write Nightwing/Ryuuji slash I will make very sure that neither of them ever finds out.
9. If I write Teatime/Johnny slash I will make very sure that neither of them ever finds out.
10. If I write Steerpike/anyone slash I will make very sure that everyone finds out.
11. I will not suggest that mudwrestling is a silly way to resolve disputes.
12. The fourth wall is there for a reason and I should not break it unless, you know, it'd be funny.
13. I will not ask No Face for "bling".
14. Changing the password to the Slytherin dorm to "Cheer up, emo kid!" is a bad idea.
15. Changing the password to the Gryffindor dorm to "Cheer up, emo kid!" is a bad idea.
16. Changing the password to the Hufflepuff dorm to "Barefoot and Pregnant" is a bad idea.
17. Changing the password to the Ravenclaw dorm to any of the "Twelve Steps" is a bad idea.
18. Telling Ryuuji that his favorite shade of eyeliner has been discontinued will probably get me beat up.
19. Writing a hogwarts_hocus-specific parody of "Banned From Argo" would be very wrong.
20. Writing a hogwarts_hocus-specific parody of "The Ball At Kerrymuir" would be very wrong.
21. Loudly denouncing Western medicine in my application is a good way to get squibbed.
22. Loudly denouncing anime in my application is a good way to get squibbed.
23. I should not refer to Professors Lupin and Greyback as "The Fox and the Hound", especially if I speculate out loud which is which.
24. I will not sell "Women of Hufflepuff" calendars.
25.I will not sell "Men of Slytherin" calendars.
26. Giving lightsabers to serial killers was, in retrospect, a poorly though out Sorting bribe.
27.Even if I do have a deck of playing cards in my hand, I probably shouldn't ask Mr. Teatime if he wants to play poker.
28.Giving Sadako her own cable access show was wrong.
29. Devi does not want to hear me sing "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)".
30. I must not get us on Fandom_Wank for the sole purposes of recruiting new applicants.
31. Recruiting new applicants will not get me an actual toaster oven.
32. The Herbology professor does not have a D-Hopper.
33. I will not sell English-Furbish/Furbish-English dictionaries in which obscene come-ons have been substituted for such phrases as "Good Morning", "Thank you, Headmistress", and "The bathroom is down the hall and to the right".
34. There is no such thing as retroactive squibbing.
35. New students are not required to give the prefects a lap dance.
36. The first rule of Dissection Club is you don't talk about Dissection Club.
37. Salazar Slytherin is not an advice columnist.
38. "Chained to my bed" is not an acceptable Sorting vote.
39. I will not go to class sk... hell, people will hardly notice if I go to class skyclad around here.
40. No good will come of referring to the Malfoys as "inbreed three-nippled cousin-fuckers".
41. Suggesting to Eros that he play William Tell was amusing but unkind.
42. "Because the colors would bring out your eyes" is a shallow reason to Sort someone into a particular house.
43. As enjoyable as movie night might be, "Dragonslayer" would probably not be a popular choice.
44. We do not, as yet, have an exchange program with Transylvania Polygnostic University.
45. Or Miskatonic University.
46. I will not use House Elves for target practice. That's what squibs are for..
47. Unless you live in a hat, calling Professor Greyback "Fuzzy" is a bad idea.
48. Giving Ravenclaws Antabuse is just cruel.
49. SquibWeapons are allowed. SquibDildos are not.
50. Offering BPAL products as an OOC Sorting bribe is bad form. No matter how many people take you up on it.